IDENTITY CRISIS

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You got me Vince.

Seriously. Red handed. Hook- line and sinker. Like Sandusky giving raspberries in the boys room shower. (Too soon?)

Here I thought not even you could orchestrate a foul up this bad. This mind you is coming from the same guy who had his son in law bang a corpse, manged to flub not one but two Kane comebacks, and then brought us Hornswaggle.

Needless to say I try not to invest too much of my hope in Vincent Kennedy McMahon along with his band of scrotum holders we call creative. However, with the closing seconds of Raw 1000 unfolding a strange feeling washed over me.  Once I deduced it was not related to the taco dip I had been shoving down my gullet the problem was diagnosed. It was hope. Hope that just for once (which by that way isn’t too much to ask. ONE TIME) the WWE was able to symotaniously piss off their universe while actually working it at the very same time.

Allow me to explain. David Shoemaker from Grantland.com (Great writer by the way) had made the case months ago that the WWE Universe had been split in two since Survior Series of last year. Where one side of the Universe (Called The Reality Universe) belonged to the WWE Champion CM Punk (The Best in the World incase you forgot. I’ll remind you again eventually), and the John Cena Universe. Which, not is not to be confused with “The Hulk Hogan Universe”, although one could argue (that be me by the way) that they are one in the same.

For months Punk has been stealing the show, having great wrestling matches with outstanding wrestlers. He even managed to take two mid card wonders (Dolf Ziggler and Daniel Bryan) and pull them up to the Main Event level while giving AJ Lee a reason to live, and the means to be the new Raw General Manager. He also is working on a cure for Cancer in his spare time. All the while John Cena has been playing the timeless role of a jort wearing Ubermensch battling it out with a monster, the biggest movie star on the planet, and a UFC Fighter.  While most fans didn’t mind the separation of religion and state, the three thousand pound elephant in the room was there all along. Even though Punk was the champion… Cena was the star of the show. He got to fight The Scorpion King at WrestleMania, beat Brock Lesnar in Chicago, and do a third movie as Fred Finklehorn’s father on Nickelodeon. (Ok so, one of those he probably wasn’t so jealous of, but you get the point.)

This is all common knowledge. However, with one GTS last week Raw was able to make me feel 13 again. And while there was still hair under my armpits, the hope was there again in my heart. When Rocky hit the mat and lie there beside John Cena a big bang occurred and the two universes were meshed together again with Phillip Jack Brooks holding the WWE title high. Surly, nobody in the world could manage to screw this one up right?

Little did I forget that while there is nothing more uplifting than having hope for the first time in a long time, nothing is dangerous like forgetting just how stupid having hope can be. Shame on me for not expecting the metaphorical chair shot to the back when Punk cut a lack luster promo on… Jerry Lawler Monday Night on the 1,001 episode of Raw Super Show.

(Side Bar: How long do you think the WWE is going to run with this moronic counting of Raw episodes before they abandon the entire idea all together. My money is on 1,006 it will be as forgotten as Beaver Cleavage. Or maybe it will be the next time Vince decides to imaginarily kill himself? At this rate, I just hope he actually kills himself.)

But I digress. Jerry Lawler? You choose to have CM Punk address Jerry Lawler? A guy who has been pretty much trying to make out with CM Punk for the past year and a half? It just made no sense, and I would have been more agitated with it had Punk not pretty much flipped a complete 180 and turned heel Monday Night. A year and a half almost, down the drain.  In theory I should be thrilled. CM Punk is going to finally become a “Made Man” in the WWE inner circle when he goes one…. ON ONE… WITH THE GREAT ONE at the Royal Rumble. Everyone knows that is my hearts desire, but strangely I am not satisfied.  People will argue that you can’t have your cake and eat it too, which is true. However, if I am going to eat cake am I not entitled to pick the icing? Or the flavor of the cake? Or weightier or not it has strawberries in the middle of it? Let’s get off cake now, and point out that CM Punk went from a headstrong, sharp-tongued baby face to a whiny egotistical heel in a matter of a week.

While this is not only HORRIBLE booking, but also it makes entirely no sense whatsoever. You not only kill off the number two face in the company, but you attach your biggest talent (and The Best Wrestler in the world incase you were scoring at home) with a lacklustastic repetitive gimmick. Without proper motive as well. He’s just upset with The Rock disrespecting him? How about everyone else? They just get a pass? What SHOULD have happened was Punk comes out the back, sits in the middle of the ring, and proceeded to rip apart the entire world about him being misused. This would lead to tweener Punk pretty much making it CM Punk versus The World while the fans could decide for themselves whom to root for. Instead, it just came off so lack luster, and really really REALLY winey. What aggravates me more is that I know exactly WHY it happened the way it did.

Look, I know Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a mega star. Furthermore, let’s not get anything twisted up either. I think Rocky is fantastic and am thrilled he decides to show up once in a while and do his thing. I also think a lot of the guys in the back have no room to complain about any of this, but PUNK DOES because he was hosed here. Why? Because Vince McMahon and the WWE Universe knew Rock could clown John Cena and get away with it. However, put him in a scenario where he could be booed by everyone (and not just every “fan” of Ring of Honor/smart mark on the internet) could lead to disastrous results. Something like that could not be left to chance, so they through Punk under the bus by turning him heel. Never mind the fact, that now the next 6 months of your product have been ruined.

The WWE Universe has to find a way to be interesting without Dwayne Johnson, and you can’t do that when you make your most interesting character a “Chris Jericho knockoff”. Now, this puts the ball firmly into the hands of Sheamus as the number two face of the WWE. Anyone else feel a little bit light-headed? They have the time of course to turn it around. Punk can flesh the heel persona out a bit more, hell maybe even get himself another stable of undercarders who feel the same way he does about the world. Fat chance though, Vin Man is going to keep Punk just strong enough to be fed to Joe Kingman at the Rumble before his epic rematch with John Cena in the Meadowlands. So it is written, so it will be done.

I guess this is the reality we live in now. The WWE Universe consists of a our little planet revolving around it’s lost sun (The Rock), while trying not to get sucked into a black hole (Triple H). Sure, we have a while before our shooting star (John Cena) becomes a dead star (The Undertaker),but excuse me if I am concerned about neither of those things. My eyes are skyward. Filling with tears as I watch our falling star disappear into the abyss.

God, I hate Science.

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Guess they’ll just let anyone have an opinion these days…

Marks! Smarks! Friends! Family! People who love Tim Tebow and saw my avatar!

LEND ME YOUR EARS!

 

Or eyes rather?

 

Semantics. All that matters is you are here, and that your attention is mine- ALL MINE. (At least for the next three seconds.)

Or maybe I have… 3 minutes?

I suppose it is only proper to begin this blog with a simple question(s). One that many of you have actually asked me from time to time when I mentioned I was starting a blog about pro wrestling.

“Really? You don’t have a wrestling blog?

How come it took you so long to do that?”

Great question(s). The answer becomes the more difficult part. It’s no secret that Pro Wrestling has been an important part of my life for years now. Over twenty three years have been dedicated to watching, talking, thinking about, arguing, trolling, and actually particpating in the business. But never writing…

One reason I suppose has just been pure laziness. I mean, have you seen my bedroom? (of course you have ladies. But, I am a one woman man now.) Seriously though, writing a blog takes hours and hours of dedication. Activities including but not exclusive to research, development, note taking, and not to mention editing and reediting articles would have to take place. Quite honestly, that takes alot of work, and I for one would rather just call up my buddy Josh and bitch about McMahon than take the time out to make it seem intelligent and stuff. Lord knows I’ve had enough time on my hands…

Another, and more important reason is well… I hate internet wrestling fans. We are all know it alls, and despite what we all may think… fucking dorks. People who have never been in the ring before, have watched Dragon Gate so they think they are more versed than the casual fan, and people who are probably virgins living in their parents basement. (To clarify,I live in my GRANDPARENTS house, and thanks to my sister Angela it is upstairs not in the basement.) Now, I am in no way, shape, or form the mayor of Coolsville by any means. However, my thoughts were just that somehow Mike Curalli was above the usual internet wrestling community. Chalk it up to immaturity.

The real Mayor of Coolsville!

The main reason though is self conscienceness. I mean, we already have one genius writer in the family. Those usually don’t come in pairs. Thoughts of potential nerds ganging up on me to nitpick my work from thosands of miles away from my “two fists of fury”  were too much to handle. “What if I wasn’t any good?” “Who cares about my opinion?” “Am I really funny enough to make people want to read this thing?”

The error of my ways has been seen. Mostly to do with the fact that Bill Simmons’ Grantland has my faith restored in modern blogging. Proving that guys who love sports and have sex with actual people can blog about the business. Mix that with wrestling being the most interesting it has been in years. Top it off with a dash of the fact that as a writer I have found my voice. and guess what Smarks? It’s better than yours! 🙂

So, I guess what this means is that for better or worse internet.. You are stuck with me. Welcome to the new era. The era of… Curalli!

PS: So, you really don’t get an article on the first post. Sue me. You’ll get one when I feel like it…